You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
