All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
