false alarm. still invincible.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
