Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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