Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
