After last night, I could never be a politician.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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