i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
