I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
