apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
