why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
