Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Randomize
