Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
