My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I need to sanitize my soul.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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