Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
