If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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