My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
