i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
