two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
there's paper in my vomit.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
