I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
