You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
