I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Nicole vs. Life
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
i came on her dog
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
