im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Randomize
