im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Randomize
