Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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