he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
