just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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