Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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