How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I still have a little drunk in my system
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
