wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
