I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
