So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Green mimosas i think yes
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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