party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
