Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
