i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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