How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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