you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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