Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize
