he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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