FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
