i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
