Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
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