I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
