I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
We have started to decorate penises.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
