Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
