You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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