True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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