Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
