if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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