You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
