I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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