if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
