I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
