Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
This beer is not sobering me up at all
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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