I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
